i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
