I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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