im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
