is your mom at the bar?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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