I smell stomach acid.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
organizing the empties. That sober.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
