Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
