i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
