The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
