She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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