Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
