You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
