Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Less talking, more tequila
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Bring me that man meat
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
