Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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