I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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