I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
