The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
