we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
