nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
