I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
