pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
