I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
What drink are we having for lunch?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
