Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
