I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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