Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
