God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
