God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
