WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
