i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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