Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
