i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
