She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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