I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
