I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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