Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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