I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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