textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
