the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
