CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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