broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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