we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just pee around me
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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