Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is her dick bigger than yours?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
