did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
