I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
