Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
