Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
