I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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