If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
