So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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