turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
