Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
