3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
